Soiled Separately…and Other Sordid Tales from the Drawing Board

As the harrowing job search continues, I find myself wanting to branch from the delivery of food and drink into new, unchartered areas and recently took notice of ads calling for a "sign shaker" and "soil sorter." Where the first one has often impressed me-- driving by any given street corner to witness a professional sign handler hurling the thing like a baton and really earning his $10/hr--it required no further job description, unlike the second one. I read on to find that "soil sorter" was an ad placed by a uniform cleaning company and my memory soon reverted to the regular pick-ups and drop-offs conducted by employees of such a company. They would show up to the restaurants in delivery trucks to drop off clean bar rags and aprons while picking up the dirty ones in a fell swoop in and out that never took longer than forty-five seconds. The arrival of these males (although most possessed an intimidating countenance and were built like an ex-convicted gang member or night club bouncer)
always came coupled with a feeling of elation and a deep sigh of relief that finally we have clean bar rags again and I won't be needing to beg the cook for one from the secret stash he hoards…that is until we go through them all again in a week. I would smile and nod my head in a salutary gesture to these individuals, in awe and appreciation of their superhero-like dedication to the task at hand and nothing else. I rarely spoke two words to any of them. They were fast and always efficient, never stumbling or allowing a rag to tumble out of the bag.

So curiously I got to examining what this soil sorter's job duties were as I was a bit confused by the language. At first I thought it was actually soil from the earth but then upon discovering it was a uniform cleaning company realized the term 'soil' meant something different (and more fun!) altogether. However--and unlike the title suggests--the task is NOT to sort the garments and supplementary pieces by the type of substance that has indeed soiled them, but according to the item's colour and type of material. This was a relief. Here I was thinking there was a separate bin for every kind of substance capable of soiling an item and that on top of unloading heavy bags from the delivery trucks and standing for seven hours of an eight hour shift, this potential candidate for employment must also be versed in the sights, smells, texture and habits of modern day stains. 

"Well I can't lift much, so this job isn't for me" I said aloud, scrolling down to the next $10/hr job requiring minimal education. I possess a prestigious university degree but little in the way of '(direct) degree relatable/transmutable/grantable/pertinent/relevant/ experience', as they say. So I carried on my search and was getting bored and tired until my eyes grazed over the words "Men's Locker Room Attendant" and I immediately perked up. I read on to learn the ad was posted by the Glencoe Club of Calgary, an elite, well-attended sports and social club located in Elbow Park. This facility is host to a full-service food and beverage department as well as eight sports facilities. I decided that this was the place I wanted to watch my horizons expand before my eyes. I could be surrounded my half-naked to fully naked men, listening and observing how they comfortably interact with one another and their world at large, able to gain a better understanding of how the first sex is getting by in these upsetting economic times. While ensuring their garbage cans are frequently changed and urinal cake supply replenished, I could be the proverbial fly on the wall for the discussions that ensue post-workout concerning a sporting man's particular swim time, bowling score or lap maximum. But after the immediate attention to their workout wanes, I will prompt these towel-clad, successful Calgary men with riches gained during (prosperous) decades of oil exploration and extraction, into discussing things with much broader life-changing implications such as:

• money
• how to get money
• how to keep money
• how to make money work for you
• taxes
• luxury cars
• housing trends for the mortgage-approved

I could digest this information and while ensuring the paper-towel dispensers are free from jams and the electronic blow-dryers are still functioning at ear-piercingly loud decibels, potentially make a turn-around in my life topics of discussion such as:

• insolvency
• renting
• forty-year repayment plans
• backpacking/traveling on less than a shoe-string and more of a fishing line/dental floss budget 

I read on for the full list of duties.

• 1-2 years related experience (housekeeping where housekeeping after men is considered an asset)
• Ability to perform physical requirements of the job including standing for extended periods of time, walking, lifting, grasping, and performing repetitive motions
• Ability to converse and accurately follow verbal instructions in English

I realized soon after reading the ad that not only could I meet the necessary qualifications, but that it was also the perfect ad for any man seeking a woman (with the third bullet point negotiable). I would like to ensure that sweaty men coming in from their workouts of either curling, bowling, skating, squash, tennis, aquatics, or general gym-going, have enough towels and soap in the soap dispensers fashioned to the showers. I'd like to go into the showers while they're showering to see if the soap is low and if anything else is, for that matter. I would be wiling to answer any and all questions they might have about my job duties such as: "How many years of university do you have again?" and "That's a mighty fine broom you got there, how many bristles you think it has?" But alas I had better go... I had better get my application in.

Note: author is aware job calls for a "dedicated and passionate male", yet fully intends to challenge this notion in today's "Because it's 2015" world of gender inclusion, as previously cited by the current reigning Prime Minister of Canada.